happy 82nd birthday mama!

1:45 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

spasms of my memory for 2008.

tungling
i miss the morning worship sessions.
i guess it was the most defining moment. of breaking, stretching, and preparation for what is to come. and it helped to prepare me mentally for my A level results.
i'll never forget the times spent crying on my knees alongside with all my frens there. and it was where my confidence was built to lead worship.

spoken word,
that fed my soul.

and where, of course, i made the best friends-my dearest buddy and lydia.
ill never forget the times we sat at the stairs dear buddy.
whispered, screamed, laughed, shared our deepest hardest moments.
and all the nods and affirmations that we totally understand what we each said.
and i thank you both so much for the prayer and support when i was just going thru so much.

love you beyonds words can express.

washing of each others' feet.
singing.
yelling.
crying.
laughing.
running.
jumping.
eating!
fasting!

oh my. i can never never literate them enough.

and all the other glimpses of 2008.
im too tired to type now..

SCC

Camp Golgotha

Radical!

Church Camp

Rev Mosy

CBTL



oh my.
and not to mention.

my China trip and attachment in april.

eventful year.

going into uni Nursing.
getting the scholarship.

worship leading.


Lord. i would never have made it without you.


your grace is enough
more than i need

freely you gave it all for me
surrendered your life upon that cross
greatest of love
poured out for all
this is our God

lifted on high from death to life
forever our God is glorified
servant and King
rescued the world
this is our God.



i will fall at your feet.

why do i wake up to the same battles everyday?

but You are stronger.

12:02 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

There's distance in the air
and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms round about me
and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close,
though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near
is what i long for


When I can't feel you,
I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you,
I know you still hear
every word I pray
And i want you
more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you
maybe I'm made more
faithful

All the folly of the past,
though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one,
still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name,
let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one
who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want

You are all I want

-Faithful
Brooke Fraser

so nostalgic.

i miss my vj uniform.


talked to bimbo on the phone.
she told me not to be discouraged.
that things will be better in sem 2.
and soh told me it is excellence.
not necessarily perfection.
indeed.




-C.S Lewis Song
brooke fraser

i want to leave a life like that.

i will sigh
and with all creation groan
as i wait for hope to come for me.

sometimes i feel im so so anti social.
what a disappointment i am.

dear Jesus,
i'm sorry.

Labels: hope is coming for me.

1:30 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

he saw her.
and stood beside her,
whispered words only she could hear.
but she refused to step out.
did not want to move forward.
she was afraid.

of so many things.


she looked at the screen,
finally being able to get to the website.
and stared.
she half-hoped that it was not true.
and yet just took it in just as they were.
they sunk in.
just like any other fact and matter that immersed itself into her system.
it just added to the weight that she carried in her heart.
it seemed like the world was oblivious.

and then it struck.
while she talked about it with her brother.
it really sank in.
teeth, fangs and all.

it battled for awhile.
and then,
a calmness that she did not understand came over.
or maybe it was just the venom taking its effect.
slowly invading every part of her being,
silent and yet lethal.

and then,
there was this other story.
she thought she could keep it going,
thought that every word said could be kept.
she thought that things would always be the same.
and yet delusion set in,
and confusion followed.
she had no idea the emotions that came over next.
they tumbled through,
hurried,
came in an army.
conquered,
fought.
savaged through,
and left her burnt at the fingertips.
she could feel pain,
and yet her fingers could not touch or feel much.
the skin would heal,
and grow.
but the ravage would return.

oh the war on her soul!
some part of her heart died that night.
and a part of her lived.

he stood.
and watched.
and reached out his hand.

but she could not see.
his silouhette was but a blur,
a faint grey at the corner of her eye.



i miss writing.
saw a few of my compos i wrote last time.
i could be a writer.


christmas.
blessed christmas everyone.

may it mean what Christ meant it to be.
of love.
and redemption.


you stepped down from Heaven's glory
humbly came to earth.
sacrificed yourself for me
and gave me grace
and life its worth.


help me get my life in order.

Labels: disarray.

1:23 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

to uncle wong:

your smile brightens up my day.
your nods encourage me.
i see you fingering and massaging your limp arm and leg time and again,
looking longingly at bed 824 uncle's son.
i hear your sigh and wistful stares.
i see your sad and despondent looks at nothing in particular.
i hear you tell me nobody comes to visit.
i hear you say you want to walk again.
and my heart just breaks.

then, i heard you say the sinner's prayer.
and everything just stops still for a moment.
i know joy filled your heart,
and He has gone in to be with you forever.
i know He can take care of you.

i miss you uncle wong.
and i will pray for you.


to uncle Lai.


i saw your tears.
i saw your sorrow.
through the smiles and thank yous,
i saw your sorrow.
your blank stares at the ceiling,
at the bed,
at the railing.
i hear you say you wanted to die.
i hear you say it was like prison.
i hear you say that life wasn't worth living.
and my heart went out to you.
then,
i hear you say you know Jesus.
and you learnt to keep everything inside.
to "ren" and not be angry.
til you explode someday.
but no.
i know you understood.
and pray that you remember,
that Jesus can take away all your anguish,
all your hurts,
all your pains and loss.
i saw your tears fall,
and i silently weep with you.
i saw you look at the remains of your leg,
and sigh at the inability to walk normally again.

but i know you will remember.
that Jesus brings you joy,
and laughter,
and meaning to life.
i pray you will know what he wants you to do,
and that dementia will never take that away from you.
i pray that you'll always know that He's there to carry your burdens.
and that this joy,
is not the joy of the world.
but of the Father.

missing you.

+++


love them like Jesus,
carry them to Him.

Labels: the clinicals.

2:36 AM

3 days to christmas!

oh my.

i can't believe it.
2008 is almost over!

and i learn what love is.

time and again.
im struck and left in awe,
in tears,
in amazement.

Blood Brothers is so so good.
thank you God.

i remember you in my room.
we laughed and talked.

it does hurt. i can't pretend it doesn't.
and i hardened my heart to step out once again
and just walk to the front.

but i knew it was you speaking.
telling me its ok. its alright.

and i will choose not to remember.

the past few weeks,
and especially the past few days.
gentle, and harsh,
and strong reminders.


and i try.
i jump,
i pli-ae.
i turn, i twist.
the crunches,
jumps,
runs.
i push myself.
again and again.
sinking to my knees.
sweat.
and i fall again.


but im going to try again and again.
push myself for more.
and you make my dancing graceful and beautiful.


its just so hard to dance contemp. all the ballet 101 training and conditioning. i wish sometimes i was lighter and faster.
more graceful
and lithe.
less clumsy.
less heavy.

but you look upon me with your eyes of mercy,
and love.

thank you lord for loving me.

i still wander,
and i dream of a place.
with paintings and music,
a piano,a guitar and a stage,
an audience of less than ten.
and i would live like how allison does.
with a vespa parked at my door.


and then again,
i dream of a faraway land,
that's dark,
filled with dread and despair.
and people crying.
and you stand next to me and whisper,
love them,
care for them,
reach out to them,
nurse them.
and i do.
and a light shines so brightly in the darkness.
like a city on a hill that cannot be hidden.
a voice rings out,
floating,
bringing healing to the broken-hearted.
and tears fill my eyes as i see them coming to know their Maker.

lovely dreams.

won't you make them come true?

Labels: help me to believe.

2:21 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

here in Your presence
we are undone
here in Your presence
heaven and earth become one
here in Your presence
all things are new
here in Your presence
everything bows before You


what a wonderful time.
worshipping you.
glorifying you.
kneeling before you.

prepared for more than this.

christmas isn't christmas
til it happens in your heart
somewhere deep inside you
is where christmas really starts
so give your heart to Jesus
you'll discover when you do
that it's christmas really christmas
for you

im glad i prepared myself.

and you said.
do not fear.
dont be afraid to stand up.
and lead people.
and great things are going to happen.
beyond my wildest imagination.

it blows my mind.
it does.

and my tears fall.








had a good meeting up with bimbo, adolf and the mimic.
namely, my dear nursing peeps. celestine, adora and pamela..
went to waraku.
my first time there. oh my.
so funny they kept calling think i was lost.
wa. the food is nice. i want to eat there again someday.
but so far..
shared bout our clinicals this wk.
told bimbo my story. she told me hers. but we werent complete.
the stories werent finished.
we shall finish them tmr.

walked to esplanade. ate andersons.
i lk gg out at night.
weather so cool. and jus so nice to walk.
slowly. and not care about rushing to somewhere.
other than to be home not too late.
saw the lights. the flyer.
bslloons. music.

and i sigh.

dear Lord,
there's so much in my heart.
i can't contain.
help me.
and in the coming week.
of clinicals and more,
give me the strength to last thru.

amidst my brokennes,
be lifted higher.

only you can.

Saviour
He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

You did Lord.
you did.

Labels: you can move the mountains.

2:01 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

amazing amazing amazing.
tiring.
eye-opener.

laid flat.

diaper-changing.
showering.
feeding of the nasogastric tube.
feeding.
transferring.

wow wow wow.

what a week this has been.
so tiring.
first week of clinicals.
but its been such a great experience.

ive learnt so much,
felt so much,
and i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.
many won't understand,
and go "yee" when they hear me bathing and showering seventy plus year old patients.
but i feel so fulfilled.
i helped them get clean.
i helped them and gained their confidence.
they smiled. chatted with me.

they waved to me when i waved at them.
a sign of recognition,
of care.

and how i'm so grateful i'm able to walk.
and jump and move around so easily.
no pressure ulcers,
or feeding problems.
no communication or cognitive problems.

thank you God.
i'm really so grateful i'm able to think and speak and walk properly.
i really am.
more grateful for life itself.


and even though some things still remain buried,
help me to unearth them.
its approaching.
and my heart,
i don't think its prepared.
but help me Lord.
only You can.


i couldn't wait for it to end.
but at the same time,
i want it to keep going.
i need more confidence in transferring and talking to the patients.


Lord i'm amazed by You
how You love me.

and time and again,
you lift me up,
set my feet on solid ground.
when i'm just so tired and down,
you are beside me.


So do not fear,
for I am with you;
do not be dismayed,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you
and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10


Lord be lifted higher tmr.
be lifted higher and higher.


open my mouth,
and guide my lips
that i may speak words that please you
and glorify your Name.
your Holy Name.


when i speak Your Name,
mountains move
chains are loosed


a lot left unsaid.


you pick me up.

Labels: again.

1:32 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

why is it time and again,
my emotions get the better of me?
and i feel they hardly understand me.
like its part of my heart that died.

was such a wonderful wonderful time on the duolos.
thank you tau huay for the lovely invitation and allowing us into your secret life.
it opened up another part of me,
that i never really explored.
how i would love to sail away.
to see more of the world you have created.

but it jus shows the escapist.
to want to run away,
and not stay in this.

yet what can i give Him;
i will give my heart

does it always have to come to that?

dont let me harden my heart,
and turn my ear away,
nor my face.

but i look to you.
thanking you for bringing me through those times.
you will never leave me nor forsake me.

don't leave me now.

exams are over.
finally.
it seemed like forever for awhile.
but as a period goes by,
another comes along.
and it does seem harder,
even though its different.
trying to find my way back again.

what is it this christmas?
i feel lost.
its like im not doing what im supposed to do.

i need a miracle.

i just need You.

earth stood hard as iron
water like a stone

Tuya, mary-lou, and those smiles that i will remb on the Duolos;
missing you guys even though its just been 3 days.

Labels: sufficed.

12:04 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

wow.
what a day.
and last night was fantastic as well.
sail me away.
work me hard at the dock.
bid my love to my mother and father.

the duolos is incredible.

i shall update another day.
too tired.
but i thank you God.
for everything you've let me see and experienced.

hit back hard to reality.

hmm.
what am i called to?

i dont know.

i want to spend time with you.

you broke another mirror.

12:59 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Give thanks with a grateful heart
give thanks to the Holy One
give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ
His son

and now
let the weak say, 'i am strong.'
let the poor say, 'i am rich.'
because of what the Lord has done for us
Give thanks


i give you thanks Lord
amidst everything.
you brought me through.
and you're going to bring me through these last few weeks of 2008.

and yes,
praise is a powerful weapon.

thank you God that i only fell asleep for afew seconds during my paper.
so funny. i wrote nonsense. and i scribbled.

thank you for healing the bubble in my eye(:
i prayed and you heard me!

thank you for loving me
even though im so messy.

thank you for bringing colours.
life would have been so dull in black and white.

he painted and added colours to her picture while he was away.
he really loved her a lot.
she received only two letters from him,
and never received any more.
she waited every night,
for his return.
he never returned.

so dramatic,
and yet it was so sweet.

don't you say
it's too early
darling i don't want to waste the day

and you sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my window as i wait
you can be the thief
i give the key to

it fits in your hand like the water in rain
it unlocks our two different cells
and shows we are the same
rather than wait til i put me out
for the taking
you're breaking into
my heart

and im letting you

the heart is deceitful above all.
who can trust it?

so soak it in gasoline.

1:34 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

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of old.

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credits.

-

wonderful people

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